To the one I want to love
As ones life flashes before yours eyes in a near life and death moment so my past month and a half keep going before me. The beauty, the passion, the love, the consumption of ones mind and soul and the out-pouring of devotion of ones being towards one person was amazing. I have never felt it in all my days, and I fear might never find againAlas the mind is a tricky and a fickle item and I have been taken by it once again.
To have, enjoy and utilize love, it must come from both lovers. Mournful I have been left standing once again, full of such love and the other side has lost its feeling. At least I hope it was had, in the first week or two. I really cant be sure now, if it was just trying to love someone else to erase and block the mess from ones past or if it was really the true love that poets and songs speak of.
I do not know what to do with my heart, I pray, I beseech, I argue, and I mourn, but to no avail.
It is well out of my hands, in what I do, say or think.
It is not my mind to be made up. It is her battle, with her self and God.
She loves me no more. I am not willing to accept this, much to her dismay. In the first few times of being with her, talking to her and holding her I realized that she is the one I wanted to marry. To give it all for her, my life is at the crossroads of enjoying the life that I have, and moving on, giving up the youthful activities of my life and trading them in for real things of this world, that for me are starting a family and a way to support that family in the traditions and ways of my people and God.
I was lured in with such promises, of starting a new, scary and quite wonderful next step of ones life. But to have it yanked out from underfoot is such a rude and enraging thing to have happen suddenly makes me sick to my soul and my body.
I keep praying for peace for my heart, for patience, for healing for us both, and for continued love for her. Which is not lacking, no matter what she does, or says, all the dismaying nay-saying that comes from her lips. I still feel, that in the end, some day, some how, she is to be mine. We speak out minds from the opposite ends of the valley, yelling, yet make it no where. Neither one willing to allow the other to be heard. Stubborn and its best (or Worst).
In the End I must ask God to step in and give me guidance , I am at my wits end, but not willing to discard all that I had hoped for.
Amen
They call me Yamhill, Lonely Yamhill
posted by Yamhill @ 11:51 PM
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