A wildfires thoughts.
As we meander down the road 22 souls in all, we travel into the night on a mission, but before the mission starts the location must be made. The trip it's self is made by hundreds of thousands of people a year, but our haste is not motivated by money or fright to be dropped but by the cargo we carry. The men, young, old, who have the ability and experience to wield our trade tools, the water carried in our tanks and the machines that propel our fragile body's into the upcoming fight.
The young man in the front seat, listening his headphones and his mind grips onto the trip that is starting, the work and the danger that will be met with shortly. The people that he has taken arms with. Are they steady folk? Not shielding away from the heat and the smoke when all Sodem and Gomorra comes upon our bodys, clad in light weight fire-proof linens. He also does not hear anything besides the beat of his music mixed with a hint of turbo howl, but he feels the 50,000 pounds of steel and water being thrust down the highway. The vibrations of the gears, tires and 500 horsepower motor thrum, going up into his head, melding with the music and thoughts to bring great emotion. To do his duty, not for pay, nor for glory. But to help. Help the towns and family's being consumed by the foe. And so, into battle this young man is led by the veteran soldiers of many conflicts, and if to his grave to the battle flows then as it may be, if towards home the victor he flys after the fight then the lords will be done.
To The Woman of my heart
Forward:
The reason for this rambling is to help sort thru my thoughts, my feelings and my heartfelt woe that, on occasion takes one for a ride, such is life, as it is said.
(From the mind of a male)
For me, at the end of the day, despite all the goes on, in my head, in my heart, at work and on the street.When I could come home, to you, that is what happiness would represent. Despite what property surrounds us, the city, the country, wealth or poverty.That will be home. Today I can hardly tell if this is a dream, which each morning I hope that it truly is, but when I feel the hurt in my chest, I know it, sadly is not a dream.
The question of the day, as brought to my attention by you, is the term known as "happiness"
For me, it is the presence of certain things, many of which are youthful folly and some of which will carry weight latter on in life. The difference of the term, across the range of people is great, for some it will be personal items, job positions and responsibility, the worldly wealth, for others it will be family, friends, personal/interpersonal relationships. Many people consider them selves wealthy beyond measure because of there friends, family and the difference they can make for others. For these few it is much more rewarding.
My dealings with it have been both, caught up with the items of my surroundings, the mechanical items, the surroundings of my youth, the familiarity of my area and the comfort I have found in the lack of change. It has been asked many times, by many people over the past decade, what is, and will be important to me in my future life. We can never change the past, only the future, and that is a fact (in my humble opinion). Which at times is horrible,horrific, heartrending and creates great discordance and despair in ones heart.
In the events of the past few years, and perhaps of my adulthood, the ups and downs of life are such that it is a high, a low and in-between. The mental health that corresponds with the understanding of what is going on in life and in the heart is critical to a balance what I will call happiness, sorting thru priority's and arrangements on the hierarchy of needs to live ones life. What I crave to give you, and anyone else who is around me is understanding of how I feel, the truth, not a facade, not a mask, but the feelings that pour from my head. Sometimes in a dizzy and incoherent fashion, and some times cold and hard. Very often addled with hormones, anger, love, despair and rage.
To be further thought.
You and I into the great unknown and the Summer time
You and I wander the hills, mountains and plains of our states, searching for the beauty and splendor that God has graced our area with.
I am glad to go with you as we transverse the highways and byways of Washington and Oregon,
I am grateful and so blessed with your company my darling dear.
I look forward to our time as we continue to grow in love and dedication to each other.
Over the past three weekends we have covered 2500 miles or so in search of family, friends and places we call home.
A toast to you, and a toast too us for our continued companionship and the love that will grow out of it.
Dear Lord, please bless Her and I was we grow older and grow to love each other. Let me be proper example of patience, caring, giving, tolerance and maturity for her.
Dear Lord, in your name. Amen.
They call me Yamhill.
To the one I want to love
As ones life flashes before yours eyes in a near life and death moment so my past month and a half keep going before me. The beauty, the passion, the love, the consumption of ones mind and soul and the out-pouring of devotion of ones being towards one person was amazing. I have never felt it in all my days, and I fear might never find again
Alas the mind is a tricky and a fickle item and I have been taken by it once again.
To have, enjoy and utilize love, it must come from both lovers. Mournful I have been left standing once again, full of such love and the other side has lost its feeling. At least I hope it was had, in the first week or two. I really cant be sure now, if it was just trying to love someone else to erase and block the mess from ones past or if it was really the true love that poets and songs speak of.
I do not know what to do with my heart, I pray, I beseech, I argue, and I mourn, but to no avail.
It is well out of my hands, in what I do, say or think.
It is not my mind to be made up. It is her battle, with her self and God.
She loves me no more. I am not willing to accept this, much to her dismay. In the first few times of being with her, talking to her and holding her I realized that she is the one I wanted to marry. To give it all for her, my life is at the crossroads of enjoying the life that I have, and moving on, giving up the youthful activities of my life and trading them in for real things of this world, that for me are starting a family and a way to support that family in the traditions and ways of my people and God.
I was lured in with such promises, of starting a new, scary and quite wonderful next step of ones life. But to have it yanked out from underfoot is such a rude and enraging thing to have happen suddenly makes me sick to my soul and my body.
I keep praying for peace for my heart, for patience, for healing for us both, and for continued love for her. Which is not lacking, no matter what she does, or says, all the dismaying nay-saying that comes from her lips. I still feel, that in the end, some day, some how, she is to be mine. We speak out minds from the opposite ends of the valley, yelling, yet make it no where. Neither one willing to allow the other to be heard. Stubborn and its best (or Worst).
In the End I must ask God to step in and give me guidance , I am at my wits end, but not willing to discard all that I had hoped for.
Amen
They call me Yamhill, Lonely Yamhill
In continuation, life and love goes on.
"Love is running deep through these veins into another bonded by the past, present & future. Aspirations of whats to come, Dreaming of better days where worried fears leave and the adventures of today add to the memories of tomorrow"
Unknown
A torn heart
So Alas my world comes apart. It could be just for awhile. It could be worse than I thought. A time when your heart drops to the bottom of the well. No matter what you do or say it happens.
Turn out her Russian Ex told her he is a changed man and wants her back.
F you.
Im not letting you steal my woman away from me. Im taken with you, and you make me happy, and I make you happy.
F YOU. Im gunna keep you!
JM I love thee, such as the heart is.
Three weeks ago today i went on my first "date" with a woman I have met this summer who delivers our Golden Eagle orders for our Echo line. I first talked to her in Aug of this year, we lightly chatted all thru the months until Oct when we started talking more. for three weeks we would talk for about an hour when she would stop by to deliver for us (She works as a sub contractor for On-Trac) Then on the 18th of Oct I gave her our shop card with my number on it. We started texting back and forth from that moment on until now.
That weekend we went on our first date we talked about. She made her last delivery up on the Hillsburito highway and then came down to the Trask MT Outpost where we each had a drink, I had a beer and she had a cranberry vodka. After thoes were threw she wanted to know what else there was to do, I told her that we could go up on UpperKutch and go shooting. I drove the van up there and all I had was the .357.
I loaded it up and she handled it like a pro. After that we drove back down and stood next to her van and talked for at least two hours. After that whirlwind things just heated. That next day was Sat and she came back down in her M325I beamer, which is a right pretty rig. She hung out with tyler and i, we worked on the headlights of her rig and then she went home. Since that point in time in thoes three weeks we have loved each other, held each other, I watched her crash her 450YZ into a wall and 30mph, she watched me act like a dork around her and my friend.
Neither one has talk much about our past, she dated a Russian bloke for 6 years and has nothing to show for it but some debit and nice things.She is not remorseful about her past relationship but it did not progress where she would have liked it.
This last weekend she took two days off of work because she had two tickets to the Red Hot chillie Peppers concert. She picked me up weds night, we went shopping for some things for the trip, spent the night at her house and then the next day went up to Seattle, we got a hotel room at the "Larkspur Landing" A very nice business class hotel. room number 428 was ours. We got settled in then went down town for the concert. We had nosebleed seats one from the top, but with the sharp angle of the seating we had a very good view. The concert was good and I liked it very much. Have I told you how much I love being around this woman? We have already talked about our lives from here on out, engagement, marriage love and death.
She is the best one I have ever met. We like so many of the same thins, music, movies, our love for old things. She told me that her one of her desires was to take me "antiquing". Which I loved, my desire to be with this woman knows no bounds. We came back the next day from WA with a 3 and a half hour drive home. We met one of her best friends and had a few drinks with her. I took her home, we had some dinner and started a movie. The next day her family came over for her B-day. Two grandmothers an aunt and a cousin. It was a good time to be had with her family and a very good dinner. After that was over we headed over to here. Toby was house sitting at the Pekkola's. The boys were watching BMS and it is a very vulgar show and there started the worry. She choose not to be around such vulgarity and she wanted to leave right away. I told her she would not, it was late, and very rainy out side. We changed shows and watched Joe Dirt, not much better but at least funny. We went to bed, She would not tell me very much but I can tell by her withdrawn spirt that somthing is so very wrong. We prayed and she went to sleep, I could not sleep for another two hours and stayed up praying over us.
Today we were going to go to church together for the first time, but she became very ill and wanted to go home, I tried to get her to stay here until she felt well enought to drive. She said she would not be at my house and be sick. She left.
All day we did not talk and tonight she sent me thoes messages that make ones heart drop out. Point out her worries and doubts about our future. She feels that we dont enjoy the same things, and that she fits in with my friends, perhaps we are moving to fast (which could be true :). From what she has seen of my friends she thinks that they are vulgar bastards who drink and cuss so very much.
She feels flightly, and suddenly points out all these problems which she has been storing up for the past two weeks. Why did she not say so before? We talk so much, and could not have brought up these problems one at at a time. I'm saddened, I have not felt this bad since about a year ago last month.
If feels as if she is looking for reasons to discard me. She worries about taking me from my friends and from my life around here, to tell the truth I dont mind, I will still know them but in my mind I want to be around her all my life. One loves God and his wife, in that order.
I have not been looking for a woman to complement my soul and my life but I feel that I have found her. Dropped in my lap from heaven above.
So I vow not to let this fall by the way side, I will not let you go until God tells you and I that we are not meant to be. I love you my darling, I want you, I need you. I'm taken.
So
God bless us, God bless you, keep the devil away from your heart and soul. Let us live and get to know each other better.
You are mine.I am yours. For Ever and Ever
Jen Monroe I love you.
Love. Christian Spencer
Each time your home
I come to see you, I come to be around you, I want to talk to you, I I I. And yet it never works, or at least not for the past 5 years.
And yet i want to keep trying.
As Jim said at the wedding this last weekend, Love is not fallen into or out of. Love is worked into. Its not a box full of feelings, and such. it is a box that must be filled, and then the results will keep you happy.
I wanted a dance, so I could be close to you, for just the moment because thoes are few as you keep running farther and father away, but the refusal was done with the least tact, just obstinate balking.
Alas its a mental problem on my part and yours.
You come, smile, talk a little, and then drift away and leave with out much ado.
She would not stay for me, and who can wonder?
She would not stay for me to stand and gaze.
I shook her hand, and tore my heart in sunder,
And went with half my life about my ways.
(modded to be the correct gender)
Im a half wit, what can i say.
But congrats to the newly wedds, Aaron and Jamie!
It was a grand wedding in a grand valley and grand people.
Backwoods wandering
Today we finished a bypass road that took us to unknown areas, areas I and my possie have traveled before, but today, upon rubber wheels that turn upon roller bearings powered by fluid motion, in-turn being forced by six in line cylinders.
Pardon, I digress.
I wish that you were not away. or that I could forget.
Seeing pictures of you makes my blood run hot, and my head hurt with desire and rage.
At times I calm but others I wish I could do something.
But alas there is nothing. So I continue my day to day, working, wondering, wandering and trying to let god help me.
They call me Yamhill. Lonely Yamhill.
In Lust I live, in Love I wait
The want.
There is a woman I want, but she does not want me. There is a woman I want, but is as selfish as can be. She torments my mind, dismisses my affection, and runs away when ever she has the chance, but still apears, often; scintilating and sexual, but beyound my reach. Ohhh what I would give or change to have her under my roof and in my life, how I dispare when she loves others. I would give my soul to prevent that and make her my love. How do I reach her and tell here that I can hardly stand to know she is away. And some day when she finds a fool that loves her, and she loves him, I will, yet again lose another part of my broken heart. Ohhhh come back to me, love me, live with me, marry me and, forever hold my hand untill death do us part, and then, yet again we will meet in heaven.
How I do dispise woman, the pretty woman I know and that I will never know.
To be young and have torture of a sexual mind, I look foward to the day when my dreams and thoughts are cool to the touch, and not love/lust filled, I pray that I am healed and that I can want what is good for me rather than what my carnal desires want...
AK
Until I find one to fill this hole, I am in mourning, and when i find her, I pray i can forget you.
The Columbine Flower
Today is a day, which among many, in America. lives in infamy in out minds, and pulls our heart strings.
The Columbine school shooting.
I do not know what else to say about this, Karen, I have to say I am so sorry that I did not talk to you more about this traumatic incident in your life, a tragic incident that I did not fully understand when we were together, as I grow older I start to understand, in only a small way the grief that you have endured.
In full I guess I am making a public tho, unknown apology.
In the end I see what makes you so strong and unwavering, tho troubled in life.
I miss you and pray for you, your family and your town.
Always and forever, yours.
Rest in peace fellow youth.
A Grown Women, Jason Aldean
Today, well yesterday perhaps, one year from that day at 10 o'clock while snuggling with you I asked you out, I asked you to be mine, you had waited for three months for me to say those words, and now here I am a year later, not regretting it perhaps, but ashamed that I was not able to keep you, and that I misjudged your mind and feelings, and could not prevent your running my heart into the river.
I love you, and If I knew you could change your ways, and your hardened heart I would talk to you, but your denial and lack of remorse sorrows me, more so than your initial actions.
Your should have know better.
Jason Aldean, A grown women.
Pain it's only a little pain
It'll be gone in a couple of days
Or maybe a life or two
Heart it's only my poor heart
Just that little thing you tore apart
It ain't no headline news
Chorus
But a grown woman should've known better
Than to treat me like some old lipstick
You use up and throw away
Hey, hey, hey
Time I wish I could turn back time
To when you were just a child
And teach you a thing or two
About love it's okay if you wanna give up
But there's a way to leave someone
And you don't have to be so cruel
Chorus
Cause' a grown woman shoulda' known better
Than to treat me like some old dish rag
You use up and throw away
Hey, hey, hey
You're supposed to treat your lover
At least as good as your neighbor
So how could you, a grown woman
Not know no better
I ain't no old lipstick you use up and throw away
Cause' you're ready for another shade
Hey, hey, hey
You should've known better
Cause' you're a grown woman
Women, the devil has tricked you once again
Well as a chapter of my life has abrubtly ended and the year marker to that chapter is but a week away I cant help but type some remorse thoughts up the world wide web, its like talking into a CB, not sure if any one is at the other end, but it helps even if there is not another soul at the other end of that 11 meter wavelength.
Well I think I would like a 2 month coma right about now, women done gone and ran around on me.
It makes one sick when having to think about it, but the week after on sunday night God came to my soul, and calmed my heart, I know why this is happening, and will learn and listen to him.
So when my sweet run around redneck JD girl gets her had back out of the dirt and wants to listen to me and love me again, if ever, Im right over here in my world of work and broken glass.
SAB, I miss you, it hurts me every night not to say goodnight and that I love you everyday. You must not have known, even tho you said you did. You had hoped to change my life as much as I changed yours, and you have, for the worse at the moment, but in the future for the better. Not to be able to go down and see you, and worst of all that your not in my arms, but another's grasp, you have made me, as a male of our species to feel as a failure, you don't realize as such, and do deny, but to have a matter such as this happen, this is but a small taste of the damage that has occurred.
I love you, I miss you, Id like to drop you, and come again soon.
They Call me Yamhill, the Lonely Yamhill
From Whenc we came
Listen O youth! Listen and comprehend those of short years and understanding, Listen to your elders and to thoes who do well by life, by God and by others.
At times I look up thee as a lost fool, which words of reasoning and advice fall upon deaf ears, when you view me as your peer, and not the elder. I tell you such, you do not listen, and fail. I wonder at what measure of reasoning you used and failed with, had I not said to do otherwise? Yet you fall to you knees at the rebuke of the law, and of family and friends. And still do not listen. You say that you want to learn on your own, and become tempered by the due process of life? Why? When you have the advice of learned people and the Lord to guide you upon a different path.
It hurts my already fragile heart to have to see, and not see you. I hope that we both make it out togeather. Show me that you have a heart, I some times do not belive that it resides with in you. Love me.
As the singer Seasick Steve said, So many trees to be picked, These Wenatchee apples make a man sick, Aint gunna shed no tears.
Its all about a women
Dreaming of the hours I spend with Sabrina.
Merle Haggard and Willie Nelson
Check out the Poncho and Lefty Album.
The years go past at a dizzying pace, I can hardly keep up with the changes in the world and in my own little life. Thanks Ma and Pa for keeping me around, I will cherish the times I spend with you for my entire life.
Dinner at Pekkolas tonight was a good time as to be expected from such hosts.
Summer is starting to fade already.
SHAILA
The Day I almost walked
So a sunday not to long ago I had the urge. This was not an unusual urge, but never felt in this manner before. After I woke up I almost went down the the barn to grab my M44 and a hundred rounds, along with a sleeping bag and some matches.
I wanted so badly to walk, walk deep into my deep hills and not come back. To shoot what ever I pleased and not come back. To get out of my hole of a life and just be where I loved.
Some times I thank God for unanwserd prayers.
Subject: Little black box
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with U.S. auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black box voice recorders in four-wheel drive pickup trucks and SUV's in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last moments before the crash.
They were not surprised to find in 44 of the 50 states the recorded last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Sh*t!"
But the states of Tennessee, West Virginia, Arkansas, Louisiana, Alabama and Kentucky were different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were,
"Hold my beer, I'm gonna try somethin."
That Damn Boy
That damn kid these days, just out of control just asking to get killed or jailed.
He seems not to give a damn about anything, drinks to much, drives like the devil himself is on his back trying to take his soul.
The cancer will get him, staying up late, chewing and drinking. Ohhh my friend the other ways will take me up above long before that time.
I got to find someone it seems, so up front, tho the girl I was just liken on just cant be a fit to what I like. No. Not her.
So thus it seems as if the bitterness stacks higher, nothing every dissolving the bottom of the stack so it dose not grow. But grows higher to the point of tipping, and this my life ends at that point.
Ohhh sweet work, how you pay my bills and let me live, but you O devil are the bane of me. I hate you with a passion that knows no end.
When I find my end, good or bad it will be a relief I think.
Its taken its toll and the 21st year has not even been reached.
Hard for me ive cum to this. So much more i planned.
Teach me, Reach me, Relive me of it, Kill the pain, sooth the soul. Find my love and use it.
To you, a good night.
To some a night is never a good thing, its when your demon comes out.
The Young of the Old
I sit in place and watch as the world changes, gas prices up, new president, new laws and rules. My friends get older, the class of 08 has reached the peak and has come into the real world.
Whats changed? I dont know. I still sit. Waiting for the amazing thing that I think of, knowing not what it will be.
Get married? Death, more friends?
Everyone grows and and starts the path towards heaven and hell, I dont want to go that way, there should be more of a purpose for my life,soul, being and body.
What can I do besides grow slowly and ooze the poison of the life I follow.
Tis there nothing more than to drink and lose friends and the lifestyle that has died out but for a few?
Cant really figure it out, I am thinking that I will get sum more money and then cut lose, jump on a bike and try to wander the countryside, see what is out there, and at the point I realize that home is just as good and or better I shall return and set my roots. I have friends that I worry about, there style of life, the things they try, but I sit back for a moment and see that it is a mirror image of me! I do the things they do and enjoy what they enjoy.
You can only live on the edge for so long, you fall off or fall to the side and stand up alive.
God is the restart point, you fail, fall, despise, stand up and repeat, and each time you will fall into his hands again. Now'a days the only time I say a prayer is when I'm in trouble and wish his blessings upon my situation.
Sick of me.
I thought to my self that I would like a girlfriend, that in fact having one would settle me down in my wild and wayward habits and practices. This being said it would be true, if I can find one that is stronger than me and willing to hold me back and keep the relationship true and strong, I am nothing more than a little child in a young mans body. The fickel reason for the girlfriend subject is to have some one to hold, hands and body, to kiss lightly in the summers breeze, to nap with in the park on a do nothing day, drive up into the hills to see what is around that next corner, to jump into one of the lakes to cool off and come out of the water dripping and laughing because that person is there to look at.
To grow with and cry with, to watch the world become a more bitter place, but feel safe because you can hold there hand and talk about anything.
That is perhaps a reason I resist such a relationship, because at this point who could do that? I want someone for shallow reasons when it needs to be more than that. To lust is one thing, nothing but short gratification and long heart ach, even when lust is turned into love, it could and prob will still turn lackluster.
So I drink a beer in honor of my friend Belt and fall asleep knowing or not that I will find my girl one day, and she will find a man she can love, but for now I am a boy.
My Sunday Night Drunk Depression Song
Also known as 18 wheeled Cat
There's a fire burning bright
At our house tonight
Slow music playing
And soft candlelight
On her lips I keep tasting
The warm red wine
I'm there in her arms
But it's all in my mind
The snow is piled high on the highway tonight
I'm a ship lost at sea on this ocean of white
Eighteen wheels anchored somewhere out of Dover
I wish I could hold her
Instead of huggin' this old cold shoulder
This old highway
Is like a woman sometimes
She can be your best friend
But she's the real jealous kind
She's the lady that leads me
To the life I dream of
She's the mistress that keeps me
>From the ones that I love
The snow is piled high on the highway tonight
I'm a ship lost at sea on this ocean of white
Eighteen wheels anchored somewhere out of Dover
I wish I could hold her
Instead of huggin' this old cold shoulder
God, I wish I could hold her
Instead of huggin' this old cold shoulder
Garth Brooks
